Differences between us are so natural, aren’t they? Yet they can be the source of numerous arguments in relationships. That’s either very empowering or very destructive. It depends on HOW you argue, what the effect is.

I recall a marketing person saying to me “It sounds like you’re advocating for couples to argue”.  Really I’m advocating for connection and redefining what people see as and do in, an argument. Come with me as I share how arguing in relationship can ADD to closeness.

Arguing is defined by the dictionary as “to give reasons or cite evidence in support of an idea, action, or theory, typically with the aim of persuading others to share one’s view.” The taking up of positions as right versus wrong is a given in this. Not helpful.

See that arguing is a call to slow down and create more safety in the relationship. How? By being attentive, present, and non-blaming to each other. Have the intention purely to connect to each other. It’s not about trying to change or correct each other. Accept even what you don’t like hearing and focus on understanding each other. See where understanding leads you.

Differences are not the problem

Everything in the garden makes a different shade, texture, and contribution to the overall result. We appreciate that.

What makes it so hard to tolerate differences between you and your partner? In your romantic relationship, you’re unconsciously triggering vulnerable parts of each other that want to know you’re safe, loved and important. Your demands or expectations for this might be driven by old hurts. This leads to arguments that get tangled up and gnarly. You might try to avoid or rail against your partner then, trying to change them. And sadly keep repeating the argument.

Stop and get help with those ones. You’re likely trying to redo something with your partner that is better redone with a therapist.

But I don’t argue!

Not arguing in your relationship isn’t good. Arguing is an act of protesting feeling disconnected. Avoiding an argument can mean you have an argument going on inside you! To risk protesting is to try to address the disconnection.

Arguing doesn’t have to be personal, blaming, damaging and destructive. That’s the distorted thing you do with your intensity when you haven’t learned healthy ways of expressing your needs.

Argue to connect

Don’t argue to be right or to correct the other person. When you argue with the intention to connect and understand each other, free of blame – even if you get animated, you increase closeness. I know this personally!

Staying in your green zone, where your nervous system is feeling pretty grounded and steady is vital. When you drift out of there into shutting down or losing your temper, pause. It won’t get better, only worse. 🙁 Try again later when you’re calmer. Remember you’re arguing in support of the relationship. Because you value it. So do it well!

Argue for your relationship

Having uncomfortable conversations, led to hearing things that radically changed my viewpoint. The result has been honest, humble, more intimate emotional relationship. Isn’t that what you want? I do. Every day.

Arguing in relationship in the way I describe enables you to attune to each other and build a stronger healthier bond. One that grows and evolves with you.

Love grows as opposed to being static.

So, are you getting it? It’s what we intend and how we argue that either creates war OR develops deeper relationship and greater self-awareness. Arguing isn’t inevitably bad.

This is someone’s story of their relationship, that had no arguments.

Big hugs to you, Mukti