Love conversations that build intimacy are full of openness, warm-hearted honesty, empathy, attention and responsiveness. I hope you know the feeling of this type of intimate conversation. 

Let’s look at what lays the ground for these love conversations that build intimacy.

The energy you bring

These qualities aren’t intellectual techniques or able to be conjured up at will. They reflect how your  energy is. Physically, mentally, emotionally and even spiritually.

To be present, open and responsive is hard if you’re physically very tired, unwell or pre-occupied. Similarly, if your emotions are out of balance as in you’re upset or stressed then you’re going to need to take care of that before you can be in a space to have love conversations that build intimacy.

If you and your partner have gotten into a pattern of activating upset in each other that’s a road-block that you’ll want to address. As you address this you’re tilling the soil for conversations that build intimacy.

This is why discovering how you can de-escalate negative cycles of emotions in your relationship is the place we begin in Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy.

Speaking openly

Third person
When you speak in the third person or relate indirectly via comparison or analytically it can feel like it protects you from judgment and keeps you ‘safe’. But it also is less intimate.

Reactive feelings
If you’re bringing a lot of emotional heat you will not feel very safe place to engage with. Your language will be blamey, defensive or loaded.

Use your breath to slow down your nervous system. Long and slow on the out-breath. It’s hugely helpful to take 1 minute and let more of your executive brain come back online to help you.

Naming your feelings and needs silently to yourself can help with this too. Step away if you need to and be sure to come back later.

Love Mukti