Conversations That Build Intimacy
Love conversations that build intimacy are full of openness, warm-hearted honesty, empathy, attention and responsiveness. I hope you know the feeling of this type of intimate conversation.
Let’s look at what lays the ground for these love conversations that build intimacy.
The energy you bring
These qualities aren’t intellectual techniques or able to be conjured up at will. They reflect how your energy is. Physically, mentally, emotionally and even spiritually.
To be present, open and responsive is hard if you’re physically very tired, unwell or pre-occupied. Similarly, if your emotions are out of balance as in you’re upset or stressed then you’re going to need to take care of that before you can be in a space to have love conversations that build intimacy.
If you and your partner have gotten into a pattern of activating upset in each other that’s a road-block that you’ll want to address. As you address this you’re tilling the soil for conversations that build intimacy.
This is why discovering how you can de-escalate negative cycles of emotions in your relationship is the place we begin in Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy.
When you speak in the third person or relate indirectly via comparison or analytically it can feel like it protects you from judgment and keeps you ‘safe’. But it also is less intimate.
If you’re bringing a lot of emotional heat you will not feel very safe place to engage with. Your language will be blamey, defensive or loaded.
Use your breath to slow down your nervous system. Long and slow on the out-breath. It’s hugely helpful to take 1 minute and let more of your executive brain come back online to help you.
Naming your feelings and needs silently to yourself can help with this too. Step away if you need to and be sure to come back later.
Having love conversations that build intimacy is a crucial skill to develop. It’s also proven to be essential for your sex life.
What to do if it’s not happening
What’s happening? I wondered as a close friend was telling me what she thought I could do about a situation.
So I shared back my experience in facts/observations – “I’m confused, I was telling you about xyz and you’ve just told me about a time someone else was upset and what they did”. I asked with curiosity and openness, why she was telling me what she did. Was she trying to help me?
We have a strong friendship, a safe one. At least I hoped so! I was about to find out!
My friend (didn’t feel attacked) said “oh yes, I was trying to give you advice in a back-to-front way. Let me try that again”
She started over and was direct “I guess I want to offer you advice, would you like to hear it?” She and clear in her words, warm and open. Willing to hear yes or no.
We high fived each other because immediately it felt clear and connected between us. THANK YOU we said to each other. Then I let her know, “Nope. I really would rather you just hear me at the moment. Maybe later some advice would feel good.”
Our contribution to each other was profound. Completely congruent and super connected
That is one of my real love conversations that build intimacy, today (well yesterday –
Develop your capacity for this by joining my self-paced online beginner’s course in Nonviolent Communication – Connection Essentials
Thanks for reading!