For intimacy, sex and relationship…
Have you noticed a widespread obsession with the electrifying experience of falling-in-love and at the same time a lack of knowing how to progress from there to delicious hot-smouldering-coals love? i.e. a lack of understanding about what enables love to evolve from the initial limerence of being in-love?
Apathy and idealism often collide. People either say passion always fades and relationship becomes relatively sexless. Or cling to the surreal representation of romantic love through movies, where unrealistic expectations and ideas abound of how little real connection is needed to sustain a lasting loving passionate relationship.
Yes! Falling in-love is exhilarating. Going from partner to partner to keep pursuing this isn’t sustainable though, without considerable collateral damage to one’s self, family, children and of course lovers. At the same time, passionate love still burning years later is entirely possible. Let’s see… what is the most major thing we all need to get across, in order for this to happen?
First up: No one has a perfect childhood. Our first experience of intimate relationships (with our parents) colours how we go on to show up for intimate relationships later in life. Of course, depending on our earlier experience, we can and are wise, to do our inner-work to ameliorate this earlier experience.
In fact, I highly highly recommend this.
For those of us who didn’t have enough (doesn’t need to be perfect) of a secure, safe, bond with our parents, can find it difficult to move to and sustain intimacy which is grounded, deeply loving, passionate and resilient.
So we come into our next intimate relationship, get a bit wobbly and insecure and act this out in harmful ways (for ourselves and others), as we unconsciously try to feel safer and loved. If you’ve engaged with me
Privately or participated in Back To Love or Nonviolent Communications you’ll know something about yourself in this regard. We all benefit from understanding ourselves at this level. This is an essential piece of self-understanding and intimacy.
HOW we respond emotionally in intimate relationship reflects our earlier bonds. And rolling on from that, how you emerge from this makes a profound impact on your relational responses, emotional intimacy and therefore your sexual relationship.
Sex is after all a relational experience. And if that’s how you are experiencing it, you’ll notice that it’s rich and satisfying, contributing to you, your partner and your relationship. If you aren’t seeing that, don’t despair, keep reading 🙂
Dr Sue Johnson says it this way: evidence shows that “the quality of relationship interactions powerfully shapes partners responses in and out of bed. In focusing on our individual sexuality, perhaps we forget that we are, above all, social bonding animals. Our bodies and our brains are designed to link with and resonate with others in bed and out of bed.”
Ok, back to what if the sexual aspect of your relationship isn’t how you’d like it to be, rather than looking for techniques and toys, consider this to be a red flag inviting you to have a look at deepening the quality of your interactions. Beginning with enriching your capacity to share emotional intimacy, increasing honesty levels, being in vulnerability, increasing emotional safety, sharing and listening. From the ordinary to the extraordinary, fears through to dreams.
This is how we continually attune and enable our relationship to flourish; how we make LOVE real.
Many SAY they want more intimacy, and yet they themselves are unconsciously hiding behind an invisible wall made of criticism and annoyance. They long for someone to give them what they in fact are not yet able to offer. Have a look and see if this is you. If it is, no problem it’s possible to discover this in yourself.
Here’s loads of empathy for the part of you that shelters from deep vulnerability in a way that connects you with yourself and with others.
Reach out to heal your past relational history and/or visit Nonviolent Communications to up-level your communication skills for interactions that deepen love and intimacy – you can have an extraordinary intimate relationship.
All the Love to you