I deserve better
“I deserve …” said a man sitting across from me in my studio. Back when I saw people in person. He wasn’t angry or upset, just … mildly fierce. Is that a thing?!
Deserve is such a solid concept of having earned or of being worthy of something. Having a right to something. The feeling that goes with it is often righteousness, resolve or fierceness. The vibe can be one of demand.
Demand is approapriate ocassionaly. After all being in touch with what you’re worthy of, is a good thing! How else do you say “NO” when that’s needed. Or “YES” when it’s what you want?
When you have boundaries or you know what you need in order to feel safe, loved, secure,,, that’s important and healthy. It’s what happens when we wrap this inside the concept of ‘deserve’ that might not be so supportive.
What’s more connecting than “I deserve”?
The word deserve is cunning. Take a close look ..
- How do you behave when you think you deserve more, better, different … something?
- How do you behave when you think you don’t deserve?
Often the answers to the above aren’t healthy in relationship.
The flip side of “I/you don’t deserve …” also isn’t far away, once we accept “I deserve” is valid. Which can get ugly. Unworthiness, dismissal of another etc.
Deserve as a concept, generally isn’t helpful, when it comes to relating and taking effective action. It leads us into separation and arguments.
“I deserve” said the client
On investigation this man realised his “I deserve … “, was code for exhaustion, strength and confidence and “I WANT” to celebrate!! He had just completed a 6-month emotional journey and wanted to celebrate his successful navigation of this. Fair enough! Wouldn’t you feel similar? I would 🙂
WHY do we think in terms of deserve?
Our guy above, was definitely not comfortable with being generous and caring toward himself. He’d had a life of not having his needs valued. So he was learning to do this and to ask his partner to do this too.
Here’s my theory about why instead of being in touch with “I want” you might go to “I deserve”
Firstly if we have a ‘need’ or want that isn’t within our normal range of what we’re comfortable to receive or acknowledge, then you might feel you have to puff up your chest and say you have a right to xyz. To justify that you have earned it.
Check – Do you have a ‘need’ that you have trouble owning or feel uncomfortable about owning? e.g celebration, rest, love, intimacy?
Do you think you, or others ‘have to earn‘ the right to have certain needs met? Or shouldn’t have to?
Alternatively, individuals, relationships, communities and families are vastly softer, stronger and more supportive if you can stretch and allow everyone to have their needs valued.
Today I’m encouraging you to honour the full range of YOUR common human needs 🙂 Learn more here
What if we all just quietly lose the concept of deserving? Aaaah what a sigh of relief there is for me in just imagining that!
I invite you to be a safe kind harbour for each other.