What you do when you’re hurting …
What you do when you’re hurting, is either helpful or harmful to yourself and your partner. Maybe you’re hurting, in pain, and upset at the moment? Let’s look a little closer at this.
When you’re hurting, you need empathy. Plain and simple. But unfortunately, it’s not common. Empathy is understanding that’s free of opinions and conditions.
You might have other needs too when you hurt e.g. compassion, care, healing and growth. Those last two are obscured at times. You’re not always consciously connected to them. Sometimes you might get lost in your suffering 🙁
Then you might blame, criticise and believe it’s someone else who is the source of your problems. In fact, the extent to which you’re in pain and disconnected from your need for growth (beyond this pain) is the extent to which you will likely inflict pain on yourself and those around you. ‘Sounding off’, kicking the dog as it were, snapping at the kids can be an unconscious way of trying to get empathy. It gives you relief, empathy and allows you to move some of your tension/ energy. Only temporarily though!
What is more helpful?
The lasting way to move your energy, is to get the depth of empathy you’re really longing for and to grow. To become bigger than your circumstances, by actually stopping all the other behaviours long enough to go inward. To CLAIM your experience instead of disowning it. To FEEL what is going on. To shine the light of awareness inward and get in touch with the deep hurt and your ‘wounded’ self, when we hurt that’s often a useful image.
It can be necessary to get professional support with this or you can do this with a skillful friend or even by yourself if you know the ins and outs of empathy, not sympathy.
Your wounded child self will pop up again and again in your adult relationships looking for the circle of unmet needs to be completed and much-needed healing to occur.
The invitation is …
Suffering is calling you to be more fully present and to take up the opportunity to heal. From there and in that process you’ll be honest and vulnerable with yourself. That’s the precursor to being able to do this in a healthy way with those you love. Instead of reacting outwardly and hurting them as much as you are hurting. That’s the unconscious effort to receive empathy remember?
The result can be truly magnificent. An earned secure bond – absolute gold.
If you want to deepen your ability to be relate consciously with yourself (and others) I point you gently and firmly 😉 toward Connection Essentials For Love.
All the love,