People often assume that because I’m a Relationship Therapist, I’m attached to people staying together. Absolutely I love when we find and touch those points of true connection. That is mostly the outcome, of course. Infact the model of Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy has an over 70% success rate.
I am attached to a true and healthy connection between two people. This quality of connection strengthens, fuels, and nurtures a loving relationship.
When you get stressed your nervous system reflects this. Disconnection registers as a stressor. You might not notice that as soon as your nervous system is escalating. But you would notice this in your thoughts and emotions as you unconsciously try to make sense of why you feel how you feel, at a nervous system level.
The stories of why you feel how we feel can initially be reactive and you might even blame your partner for how you feel! Even though their actions have an impact upon you you won’t make progress toward a true connection, if you don’t take responsibility for how you feel.
How to progress to a true connection?
The first exploration is what’s happening within you and between you right now? And what do you really want?
The folks I see want to find the love that they know is here, or that they know they’ve felt together. Love and connection is what we all want in some shape or form. Peace, less conflict, more sex, more respect, more emotional intimacy are other ways this presents.
Love doesn’t equal agreement.
A true connection calls you to face yourself and your vulnerability.
You will have plenty of reasons to protect your heart. I think it’s valuable to remember that squirming or feeling like you’re in a tight spot can be part of opening more. That’s often a great thing for you and your relationship.
Research by the Gottman Institute tells us ⅔’s of conflict in relationship is unresolvable? Fortunately having a great relationship isn’t about having all your conflict resolved! It’s about being able to turn towards each other and understand and value each other including when you don’t agree!! Being able to either create a solution you can both live with or being able to appreciate your differences.
As I’m writing this, a song is playing in the cafe… “stuck in the middle with you. Trying to make some sense of it all. I can see it doesn’t make any sense at all… please, please …”. A lot of folks think that, but not me.
It ALL makes sense. YOU make sense and so does your partner. Conflict or feeling out of alignment with each other is simply telling you, there’s more to understand.
If you are still wondering about how you can know whether a relationship can level up to being a true connection, this article has some useful information to read.
If you feel like you need support to find the true connection between you, you know where I am.